Hitsugaya's Not So Average Day
by Bustahead
Summary: Warnings: OOC, crackfic, mentions of yaoi and "toys". But despite all that, there's no pairing! Poor Hitsugaya...Finding an average person to further Shinigami understanding of humans is much harder than it sounds.


**Hitsugaya's Not So Average Day**

Of all the tasks he had been set as a captain, this one was surely the most pointless. You didn't need to understand humans in order to protect them! And you certainly didn't need to live in their world in order to attain further understanding of their habits and their ways. You could just watch them from afar and draw your own conclusions.

He'd argued loudly and had pulled every trick in the book. He had pouted, had stomped, had raged and had even threatened to use his bankai to put Seireitei in a deep-freeze.

But he'd ultimately failed when Byakuya, of all people, had pointed out that if he didn't want people to see him as a child, he was going about it completely the wrong way. Then he had bluntly told the youngest captain to actually act like one and follow orders. Unless he wanted his position revoked and handed down to someone else?

Ukitake had promptly sensed the tension and had tried to fix things by offering him candy.

Hitsugaya had ultimately accepted the mission, seeing it as the only way to escape from the candy-crazed lunatic.

It was his third day of living in the human realm and he was no closer to finding any human (or otherwise) who was even close to the definition of average. For the first day, he'd considered one man but then came to the realisation that he was a homeless drunk and therefore not average.

The second day found him following around another man who was loaded. Again, he rejected him on the basis that the average person wasn't stinking rich and didn't have bath-tubs the size of swimming pools in their houses.

Now he was following another person around for the day, some bespectacled gentleman who was carrying around a briefcase. He seemed to be obsessed with polishing his glasses and counting his money. Hitsugaya allowed himself to have high hopes for this one, but promptly felt his heart sink to his stomach as he caught a whiff of a familiar smell.

Cherry blossom and green tea.

A lot of people went on and on about how Kuchiki-taichou was all man and oh so sexy. Hitsugaya glowered ungraciously. The man was a pink powder-puff in disguise. And if he had to hear Matsumoto squeal about how she wouldn't mind using her breasts to pillow Byakuya's head, Hitsugaya would scream.

Or possibly just join Aizen in Hueco Mundo.

He'd heard wonderful things about Grimmjow's cooking...

He watched with disgruntled amusement as Byakuya bowed his head towards the man who was apparently his "boss". Belatedly, Hitsugaya remembered the mission that the elder captain had been set, to investigate the possibility that the Yakuza had links with the arrancar. Clearly, the noble had decided to masquerade as a new member. Bowing down to a mere human! Kami! The priss was probably crying inside!

He quickly took a photo with the camera that Hitsugaya had confiscated from Matsumoto only a few days earlier and sauntered off, feeling a little bit better. He'd give the picture to Nanao. No doubt the Shinigami Women's Association would find some use for it. Maybe, if he was lucky, they would come up with some sordid conclusions about Byakuya's love life and sexual kinks. Maybe human males was what Byakuya was into, they'd think. Maybe he secretly likes being dominated. He could just imagine the rumours circulating, and the thought gave him a vicious pleasure.

But now he had to find someone new...no person affiliated with Byakuya could be considered average.

It was then that he saw a likely candidate.

Ah, this looked more likely! A woman! Hitsugaya wondered why he hadn't thought of it before. Woman the world over were exactly the same! Noisy, shreiking harridans who couldn't mind their own business and would go completely and certifiably insane over the most nonsensical things.

Like puppies and kittens and...ugh...children.

But Hitsugaya had had enough of watching from afar only to be disappointed. He wanted to get the mission over with, wanted to go back to doing what he did normally. Paperwork. He had to make _sure_ that this woman was average before he went ahead with the study.

He marched into the store she was in, completely blind to his surroundings as he spotted his quarry at the counter, possibly buying something or maybe complaining about something. Hitsugaya had no doubt that it was the latter, from his experiences he had concluded that women were never happy. Matsumoto certainly wasn't anyway.

'You!' he snapped, getting the woman's attention. She wasn't unattractive, Hitsugaya grudgingly acknowledged. Maybe she was in her late 20s. She wasn't exactly stunning either. She was...average-looking. This was already a promising sign.

'Yes?' She was watching him, confused. But she hadn't immediately started cooing, something that most people tended to do when they first saw him. Maybe she had above-average intelligence? If so, he could overlook it. He watched as she started scanning the rest of the store through shrewd, calculating eyes before she returned her attention to him.

'Are you lost?' Hitsugaya bristled. This woman thought he was a child after all!

'…'

'Are you here alone?' the woman tried again. Hitsugaya was forced to lower his opinion of her. The woman had average intelligence after all. And her mouth was opening again, no doubt with another question. 'Then are you-'

'I'm a tourist.' Hitsugaya cut her off rudely. He didn't know why he said what he said, but _anything_ would do to try and bring this conversation to an end. Never mind the fact that he had instigated it solely to gauge her reaction. But hang on a second...something weird was happening. The woman was looking..._excited_?

'Oh, I _see_! And you obviously came here for advice, right? Well you certainly came to the right place!' Hitsugaya was only just now noticing a few extra details. The fact that she was wearing a name-badge. Adele, it said. So she worked here. Fine. An average woman, with average intelligence with an average job as a store assistant. She would be satisfactory. He turned to leave.

But Adele was still talking.

'Are you here with a woman?'

She meant a mother, right? Time to nip this child thing in the bud.

'No.'

'I _see_...' Adele looked even more excited. 'And you're new to this sort of thing?'

What sort of thing? Being a tourist?

'Yes.'

'Perfect! Then we have a _lot_ to go through!' She took him by the hand and dragged him to an aisle that seemed to stand aside from racks and racks of underwear. Hitsugaya's eyes widened as he caught sight of them for the first time. How could he not have noticed them when he'd walked in? Had he been so distracted by his current mission? He unwillingly turned his head to look to see where Adele had dragged him. And nearly had a heart-attack.

'What the _hell_?'

'They're dildos!'

'But they look like...'

'Plastic penises. Yes.' Adele chirped happily before picking up a demo model. 'They're very versatile and are incredibly popular with male and female alike. A lot of the ones that we sell here have both a vibrate function _and_ a swivel function.' She looked at him consideringly. 'But since you're....vertically challenged and a beginner, I'd recommend _this_ model. It's slimmer, you see? So it can get in easier.'

Hitsugaya's eyes were darting around frantically. Where was he? Where was the exit? And what was worse? Being mistaken for a child or being mistaken for a gay dwarf?

His eyes fell, quite by accident, onto a pair of shiny dangling things that were on a different shelf. Earrings! Thank God! They sold some normal stuff too!

'Those are nice,' he gabbled, determined to get away from the plastic abominations. 'Those earrings, I mean,' he added in haste, in case there was any confusion.

'Nipple clamps,' Adele corrected cheerfully. 'Shall I run them through the counter for you?'

Hitsugaya could only watch in mute horror as Adele plucked the box of the shelf and made her way to the counter. He stared, transfixed, as she discreetly handed over some money from her own purse and came back towards him, holding the bag out for him to take.

Hitsugaya silently took it, too distraught to even think about doing anything else. Adele grinned at him.

'I thought it would be a good way to welcome you to the city so I bought these for you. Consider it a gift! Would you like to look at anything else today?'

Hitsugaya hastily shook his head, still far too gobsmacked to string two words together.

'Okay,' Adele smiled at him. 'We've also added some complimentary chocolates for you to enjoy.'

Chocolate! Never had Hitsugaya been so relieved to hear the mention of candy's more popular cousin. Now he was back on familiar ground! Finally!

'Thank you,' he managed.

'Any time! Take care now!'

Once outside the store, Hitsugaya delved into the bag and drew out the box of chocolatey goodness. He stopped short in horror. A noise akin to a sob escaped from his lips.

They were shaped like penises.

At that point, Hitsugaya decided that the study could just go to hell. The average human was a nutcase. Somehow, through no fault of his own, he had mistaken for a gay sexual tourist of a dwarf.

Deflated, he walked back through the gate and re-entered Seireitei, still holding the cursed bag of doom, only to come face to face with Byakuya, who had apparently finished investigating for the day. The Kuchiki noble raised his eyebrows, the rest of his face perfectly impassive.

'The study?'

'Abandoned.'

'Ah.' There was no mistaking the amused glint in Byakuya's eyes as he glided off towards his estate. Hitsugaya felt a vein twitch in his forehead as he looked back down at the bag.

He'd send the atrocities to Grimmjow. But he'd address it from a certain Kuchiki noble and would wait with a camera for the minute the two would eventually meet.

Who would have thought it?

There was one sweet thing Hitsugaya would always have a taste for.

After all, revenge was a sweet dish best served ice-cold...


End file.
